Thursday, February 10, 2011

Making Myself Happy

Last night I watched Joyce Meyer and yet again she had inspiring words of wisdom to share with her audience. There is hardly a time one can watch her program without coming away with life changing inspiration. The latest program I watched was no exception. She made one of the most profound statements: "If you're not happy, change it!" Well said, Joyce, well said! So beginning today I am taking her advice and changing what needs to be changed to make myself happy. As I do this and implement said changes in my life I feel it is my duty to inform my family of the following changes...yes, this post serves as public notice to those whom I love the most:

To My Dearest Family:

As of late, Momma hasn't been real happy. Y'all know that if Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Therefore I feel it is within the best interest of our family to make the following changes in our household.

The first issue we'll address is food. Namely breakfast, lunch and supper. Seriously, y'all. ALL three every day is so overrated. Therefore from now on y'all may pick which ONE you want me to fix on a daily basis. For the other two you may fast. Listen, fasting is a spiritual principal we don't practice enough. Don't complain to me about this, I didn't come up with the concept of fasting. Take it up with God.

Next issue is my name. I am going to follow Prince's example and change my name to an unpronouncable symbol. When y'all said "Momma" a bazillion times a day it was cute only when y'all were toddlers. It has since lost its cuteness factor and, well, can be down-right annoying.

Should you really need to address me, feel free to write your request down and stick it to one of these:

They will be conviently located next to the refrigerator. I will look at your requests when I feel like it at my earliest possible convience to decide if it is worth filling.

Laundry has become an issue in our household. I will no longer be held responsible for making sure your favorite jeans are clean when you want to wear them. Seriously, it is time to grow-up and start managing your wardrobe better. I do not care if you wore them last week and this is a new week. Find something else.

On the subject of laundry I feel it is important to address this problem with my husband, too. Each Monday morning I send you out with a week's worth of clean clothes. You habitually return them to me on Friday nights dirty. I think I'm getting the short end of this trade-off. Therefore, from this point on, you really need to plan ahead and make these clothes stay clean longer.

Next issue...lack of sick days for Mom. For the past twenty plus years I have not taken many so I have many, many built up. I will begin taking them on a regular basis. While I am sick and taking these days it will be against the rules to bother me for any reason. Listen, even if I am sitting pool side sipping a Diet Coke while reading a Nicholas Sparks novel I really, really am suffering.
Leave me alone!

Now onto the issue of your "needs." Okay, so you say you "need" a band-aid, cold medication or ibuprofin? Well, listen up...I need Godiva chocolate AND Starbucks on a regular basis. Do I get it? NO! And by going through this denial on a regular basis it has helped to shape my character and strengthen me in ways I never thought possible. Time for you, my dear children, to toughen up. Learn to deal with a little pain. It will make you a stronger person.

I also would like you, my family, to know that I am going to begin a new business. From this day forward I will be breeding Dust Bunnies in our home. You are forbidden to disturb them while they procreate. I may plan on selling them one day.

Last issue we'll discuss here is the lack of a Momma Vacay. Yeah, you read right, MOMMA Vacay. As in MOM only! So to remedy this situation I have given myself the right to take one as needed, by myself, for as long as I deem it is necessary. I will change my phone number before I leave so if you need to say anything to me while I'm gone, write it down and attach it to our new message board (see above picture). I'll check the board for messages if I return home.

In the event y'all decide you want to howl over said changes...well, where I come from when a dog just howls and howls they're likely to get shot. Just sayin'...

All my love,
*** (my new name)

Okay, I guess that about sums it up for now. I sure feel better after getting that all of that off my chest. Guess we'll go through a bit of an adjustment period as these changes are implemented and they'll have to get used to seeing me super happy. I think it'll be worth it for me in the end. Oh, and Joyce, don't hold it against me if my family decides to send you hate mail. ;)

Happily Feathering ~Betsy

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